Daily Log November 2021
This week was a week we were waiting for with so much joy. Happy, excited, joy … we wanted to finally sing out some news.
Instead of sharing that news, I sit here quite vulnerable, but strong and courageous to do something far more scary…
I journeyed through a natural miscarriage in our home for the last few days.
This is not what we wanted to share. Not by far, but I feel called to share this openly. This is just dreams into dust right now… but we refuse to do anything other that rising from the ashes, even as the fire still burns.
This has taken over a year, and an amount of work that could have been a paid salary career (…not like we spend our days doing much of anything else…right?). I am just amazed, and brought to tears, with how quickly it all has just slipped away.
We will never be the same…but whatever our future holds…I know the best is truly yet to come. So along with this sharing of sadness, we share happy photos in this post from our fertility journey together so far.
Healing is not rainbows of celebration all the time. If I really think about all of the deep work of healing – my own healing, and the work that I do with others in my industry… I always feel a responsibility in sharing the importance of deep shadow work. Shadow work…you know, the discomfort, the sadness, and the absolute bravery it truly takes to walk (with presence and discernment) down life’s more turbulent roads.
Well here we are… yet another turbulent road. With the empowering guidance of our midwife, we knew we were safe to follow my body’s wisdom and cues, and gently continue to progress through the stages of miscarriage and saying goodbye to this precious hopeful baby at home on our own. It did not begin that way though…Erin and I felt lost, scared, panicked, in utter shock to hear of our sudden fate after months of getting used to the 1st trimester and just days away from starting trimester 2. In the early hours of miscarriage beginning…it was the outpouring of friends and community who would step in as we reached out with our update…our phones buzzed as we cried in shock. Messages came in with stories of validation and memories similar situations. Courageous women sharing compassion and recounting their own warrior moments. What we couldn’t believe was the amount of women and the amount of recollection that everyone had felt so terrifying, so utterly alone, so unprepared for something that we all got told was normal – in the moment. Why? Because our culture doesn’t circle the narrative on this being normal…UNTIL you are thrust into the throws of it. When you are sweetly settled into the heavenly journey of carrying a child, the moment of miscarriage is a pretty confusing moment to hear that this is normal.
I’m a Gemini…Gemini beings thrive on communicating. So here I am wanting to communicate this raw message from the depths of my soul. I am not alone…I know I am not. I know that if we change the narrative, we don’t live in fear in a confusing moment. This story is unique to myself, and Erin. This is a highly unique & highly personal story and our story is just that, Our Story. We have had a joyful fertility journey. We both love children and the idea of having children. I have 2 children who are 9 & 11, Erin has made a huge loving impact in their lives as a parent since day 1. For Erin & I, beautiful chats of having children together was a natural topic soon after falling in love. Everything fell into place so well on our fertility journey. Lots of 6 hour drives to and from Toronto since March… we lived in the car together. Spending countless hours away from our children at home, our animals, our farm, our land…all of this only made possible with so much help from family, friends, community!
We landed on our desire to do this, we were chatting fertility clinics with another queer couple. Our fertility journey was something Erin and I were open and honest about with friends, loved ones, family…it was happy and smooth…it has had it’s little ups and downs but something that was so fuelling; my fertility results were fruitful and strong even though I am 40.
We got pregnant with our very 1st round of I.U.I …
pretty freaking exciting stuff since our odds were just 20%. We became educated at length about the fertility process and protocol. Despite Covid, Erin was allowed in the room on insemination day… anything to be the most involved!
I had two other pregnancies, two other successful, natural births. Everything with this journey felt pretty “business as usual”. The pregnancy felt exactly the same as my first two despite the decade of time in between. Here I was, back in pregnancy doing one of the things I do best – mothering and creating life – such happy moments, and to now be embarking this journey with Erin…. Hello: DREAMS!
Miscarriage risk rises so greatly in a pregnant carrying body of 40 years old…and that doesn’t change. I am super fertile, generate lots of juicy eggs each month, have the most open of open fallopian tubes, one seriously thick uterine lining, and get pregnant so easily. “Fertile Myrtle” over here! Once our pregnancy was confirmed, the hormone levels were amazingly strong and exactly what the fertility doc always hopes to see, the pregnancy was viable! The heartbeat was so strong at our first ultrasound… sadly, that wouldn’t last into the second trimester. Sadly this is common for all pregnant women. Sadly it’s more common past the age of 35, even more common past 37, again much more common past 40 years old. Again…we came to be presented with this information in the throws of being in active miscarriage.
What I learned late last week…I may have been fearful of the idea of a miscarriage….but my body was not afraid, my body is a powerful machine ready to champion through anything in this lifetime. I am in awe.
Now – I am in awe of the miraculous women warriors around me for standing around us in those early hours and speaking their beautiful truths. You are all angels, you guided us through the initial hours of darkness. I am especially in awe of my unbeatable partner Erin… a rock isn’t the right word….because a rock doesn’t have this much soft and gentle emotion while holding me when I cannot bare to stand or breathe. Erin is here glued to my side, literally holding my hand in every single moment of what we move through…never leaving my side. The way Erin looks into my eyes and reassures me in the most vulnerable moments of my life is always moving and elevating. This though…when Erin is crumbling just as horribly as me, to sit and look me square in the eye when something is happening we were both utterly terrified of, and still be able to calmly guide me through with the softest most loving words. Well I just want for everyone to have that kind of support, we all deserve to be held and heard and encouraged in this way.
Now- I am in awe of witnessing the magic of my own body and so proud to be so in tune with the signals of my cells and my own intuition. My body is powerful, beautiful and stronger than I realized. The human body has a way of operating in such a way – it takes over….physical isn’t the only way…emotionally, mentally…it all works together and if you are listening you can easily be so present and aware of all of the body’s power and beauty. My entire energetic and cellular being is something that embodies such divine magic. That is all I can honestly say I learned here. I am so moved by the magic that is this womanly body of mine.
Now- I witness partnership and true love that I really thought didn’t exist. I felt this about Erin and I before…but this miscarriage propelled our connection… a miscarriage that ends up happening on the exact day of your 2 year anniversary could really mindfuck you and begin to rip you apart. Truly….this only brought me to understand that we have the most real love. We have always worked hard to honour our love with a whole lot of open conversation, honesty, the most supportive back and forth that either of us have ever known. Through the scariest moments of the miscarriage…Erin and I exposed some of the deepest worries and fears that came up, AS they came up…only to be met by reassurance, acceptance, care…from the other person. Even that was not all rainbows though, as Erin and I have sadly BOTH witnessed and worked hard to survive horrific trauma and PTSD first hand in life. So in the early moments of this miscarriage, we both moved individually starting to settle scarily into terror alone. Quickly though, something naturally and beautifully cracked us WAY open and just as we do with all other things…we met each other halfway and ALL IN in this situation, and love opened up. We held each other through every single moment with nothing but acceptance and softness and elevation …it really was just so beautiful is all I can honestly say. I wouldn’t change a thing, as it has kept us on this consistent path of only growing together and falling more deeply in love & trust, as we do each moment of every day.
To move through this all and feel balance, acceptance and love is a truly beautiful thing.
Oh how we were excited to share a pregnancy announcement this week. An announcement of hardship & healing is a topic that deserves awareness and normalcy though, so here we are; hearts and tears on our sleeves.
Even though this is scary, even though this is still raw, even though it’s still just happening… again, this is a highly unique and personal topic with this personal & unique response. This feels right for us.
Community sharing compassion, validation, empowerment, and love has been what is getting us through.
They say it takes a village…hard times prove that saying.
It may take a village in the days and weeks to come…it is still a journey we are getting used to, heck we were still getting used to a new journey … now that has shifted drastically.
I walk forward with very little fear in my life, for I have already survived so much in the face of such a wide array of trauma.
I walk forward knowing I can champion hard things. I walk beside a partner who is a champion, a legend, one who keeps me elevated and fighting for more.
I walk forward letting shame fall to the ground. I walk fierce & tall…my peaceful Goddess Warrior footprints moving me forward and never looking back.
Erin and I are just utterly devastated.
I imagine though, that devastation could seem amplified; if we remain silent & alone in this. I imagine that being so open is what can help us through this time.
Maybe that openness brings a tiny sliver more of awareness, normalcy, and empowerment.
Maybe that openness brings more shared stories that help… I believe that only shared sorrow helps to lighten the load. Just as shared joy multiplies any happy moment.
Maybe talking about darkness and challenge in raw ways can end up being just as captivating and meaningful as sharing the highlight reel and celebrating happy moments.
If you were one of the beautiful people that we shared our happy news with before today…please know we are now wondering how we will make it through conversations with you the next time we chat or pass you by. I know love and compassion will help the emotional blows of this chapter.
Miscarriage is a highly unique and utterly personal journey…I feel for us, beyond utterly sad and truly shocking…this has honestly been a deeply powerful, empowering moment that has been lifted by courageous vulnerability. We are helped by the love of the amazing humans who stepped in to share their truths, to do all our laundry, to run over with supplies, to reschedule, to cry with us, to send voicenotes that lifted our hearts. It really does take a fucking village. Thank you.
We are the lucky ones, to journey through such tragedy…with love and support pouring in. It just took us reaching out, and often…that’s the hardest part in the moment. I think talking about all these things is the best way to honour ourselves, honour those helping, honour a lost little being that was simply trying to exist as our baby, and to honour others who have suffered in silence.