Daily Log May 2021
To the humans that surround my circle, I have retreated, I have been sitting in silence, mainly because I have been in a state of survival mode for 18 months now in so many ways. I spent a solid 12+ years as an Event Producer, then I left my corporate career to focus on building stability of my own brand in the Wellness world. I had found such profound growth from a dedication to my own personal practice in wellness, that I truly heard a call to action by working solely as a natural wellness professional. I love event production, creating beautiful spaces (indoors and out), and guiding wellness practices for others. I have met the most amazing humans in these two worlds, humans that challenge me for the better, humans that elevate me into liberation, humans who have held me when I cannot stand on my own, humans who are so active in their own growth and become less of a client, and more like family.
The Event AND Wellness industries came to a full stop as a result of COVID in 2020. Yes, there are online events and online wellness offerings…yes there has been pivot and growth… but these two industries got hit…hit hard…many could not find viable ways to pivot for reasons that are plenty, highly unique and even more-so – highly personal.
Cancelling trainings, classes, workshops, events…. some still running but nothing as normal. This has been the source of so much fear, worry, and a major feeling of tip-toeing through a haunted house; in order to put on an event safely, or host a wellness offering as we used to. To move through these industries in the past year has taken so much pivot and change, so much due diligence, as many industries have. For me it has been a sequence of starting over so many years in a row now. I am tired. This has stripped me down in a fascinating way, I welcome it all… you know me… sink into that discomfort baby!
I was moving through the end of a marital separation in 2018 & 2019…it had been brewing strong since 2011 when my children were just wee toddlers. Something I have learned is that I should have never stayed in a place I knew wasn’t right for my soul for an additional 10 years. Sometimes as a mother, one feels like we must make certain choices that are more for a child; than for ourselves. I look back and still wish I could have done this differently. I am though, very proud of the way myself and my entire family has moved through a separation with civility, and dignity – despite the challenging themes of abuse, addiction, alcoholism, and trauma being deeply rooted in the recipe. Things could have taken a very different route, but we simply work so damn hard to be a balanced family…much of this is thanks to my practice of meditation. Also thanks to ALL of the hearts and souls involved in setting a fierce example for the children involved.
I then invested in a second wellness business start-up in 2019, which resulted in a complete loss to my investment (we all make mistakes and choices that don’t pan out, and end up showing you everything was very unaligned). That was indeed hard, as I moved through a separation and poured every ounce of myself into my work. With business start up loss kicking my ass in a very scary way; along came COVID to join the party of my life shitshow. PARTAYYY!!! (sense my tone here. haha!)
So, I remained quiet and focused on my survival of this hilarious party. It has been hard…actually, I do not believe that hard is the right word. There has got to be a better suited word. Sometimes because you carry it well though, the world can assume you are managing well.
I sit here contemplating on all of this for a big reason. All in what felt like an overnight moment, I lost thousands of dollars, left a marriage, left a business investment in a challenging forced stated fear, sold my home which housed myself, my kids and my home business, and then walked into COVID. Covid took away any way to quietly exist in these industries in the gentle way I truly needed at that moment in time.
In this quiet focus of survival, I have stumbled upon amazing things; the love of my life, safety beyond measure, a connection to self like never before, deeper growth with my children, a dedication to nature and Mother Earth that I didn’t think could grow much stronger. What I am learning… is that learning can show you how much MORE there actually is to learn. Just when you think you have a handle on life… there life is; to turn you on your head, and show you how many more beautiful lessons are meant for you.
While I have been quiet, it has been a gift in time and space that allows me to reside so completely in my own soul in a way that I always want for everyone else. SOOO much thanks is to my partner in life; Erin… for without you My Love, I wouldn’t have been able to truly look at myself… you offer a healthy challenge, and the most undying support for another human that I have ever seen in this lifetime. You offer not only the world… but you allow me to offer you my whole world right back… and you are so undyingly grateful for me and my world.
I miss working, I miss producing events, I miss every class, training, and every healing practice I used to share with other humans each day.
Just as equally as I miss all those things, I so respect my own internal work, and the amount of rebirth I have spiralling around me. What is rebirthing – is taking a HUGE amount of endurance, stamina, brainstorming, hustle & heart.
Who knows what kind of normal will return to my plate, I miss my job and my career in both Event Production and Wellness…
This is where my heart, mind & soul rest at this point. This was a journal entry that I simply needed for my own soul… but my heart is telling me to act in a vulnerable fit of couRAGE and leave it out here in the open too. I miss having that chance to see you all and tell you my truth each and every time we meet.
Until we meet again,
Lisa Marie
